Cynical, doubting, contemptous, remote, solitary, withdrawn. MOCKING.

Subconciously, I knew that when I was rid of my innocence, I'd want it back desperetly. But still, I tested the boundaries. What I didn't know back then was that it was time, and not experience was the only way I'd.."mature". I look back on those days, and my nievity and, I want them back. At least then, I had something to look foward to. Or at least something, some element of life..that was unknown. Now, I feel, I see all. And not much of it is postive. None of it's a mystery, and none of it is love and acceptance. See, thats all I've ever REALLY wanted...I mean isn't it what we all strive for? Maybe I'm just a loner. Maybe I'm scared. Maybe, I don't deserve anybody. I could go on and on and on until I die...the sad thing is that I most likely will. This right here is the problem. Why don't I just dive out there into the world? What is holding me back? Why am I sitting here writing about this? My apprehensions are my shortcoming. I am a thinker, not a doer. Maybe, I should "participate" more like the Charlie needed to from "The perks of being a Wallflower"..but how do I participate? Theres nothing I feel comfortable enough in doing. Nothing feels like it could ever possibly be.."fun"..what the hell is fun? It's all just a lie, everything they ever tell you. "It will all work out in the end", "Everything gets better after highschool", "Learn from you mistakes"...you know, everthing any adult has ever said to you..(although I've never heard anything woth my while)..all these adults...they are pulling all of our chains...they know life is, will, and has always...and will continue to be nothing more than a big pile of shit. Why are they attempting to cheer us up? Maybe they think they will find peace one day, as I did through early adolesence. NEWSFLASH people, LIFE WILL NEVER GET BETTER! It will cheat you from birth. I think my problem is that I have ran out of things to keep me occupied and interested. I have heard/ read/ researched about pretty much every interesting human being out there...and now I am bored. What else is there to do? Go on an adventure? I already told you...I am a thinker...not a doer. But...why is that? Why don't I ever get my srry ass up of of the couch and do something? Maybe, I am scared, or hopeless, or insecure. Maybe, just maybe, I will never know. God? You there? ...Can you help??...Just as I suspected....no answer.